Strange Twists of Time

Spoons, biscuits, coffee jars, notepads, pens, pencils, staplers, a half broken cup, and a stole --- these are the first things I can see now in the half-open drawer. This is just the top drawer, there are two more in my office cabinet.

“Ok, I will do this tomorrow,” I decide quickly closing the drawer. This decision is easy for me.

However, the decision to move out of the comfort zone has not been easy. It took me one year.

To cut a long story short, I decided to do all the things I enjoy doing again. Things that make me happy – walking in the rain, travelling, whistling, to just start the list. Plus, I am ready once again to work for passion….er of course without impacting my bank balance. Trust me, it is not easy deciding to be happy. We are brought up on the principle of forsaking our happiness for everyone and everything else. Sacrifice and compromise seem to be the main ingredients of love. Otherwise you are termed as selfish and self-centered. Mind you, this is strictly my personal opinion. If you find it revolting, please feel free to stop reading further.

Anyways, it's a trend, with exceptions of course that we work for passion when we are young and at the beginning of our career. This held true for me as well. I started off on a modest (read not even peanuts) salary in one of the leading publishing houses. Nothing still now compares to that job. I love reading books. So you can well imagine how I felt when I held the first copy of a book designed, edited and even co-authored (in some cases) by me? But, I soon realised that passion for this particular work can keep me happy in office but not buy me the next set of new books (you can replace it with what you like to buy the most; in my case it’s books).

This practical realisation led to the next stint for a better salary at the Telegraph. There I learned how to write simply and edit. All thanks to my chief-subs who took pains to groom me into a sub-editor. Let’s not get into explaining the “pains” here. I need a separate blog post for that. However, the ungrateful wretch that I am, I found no passion in rewriting someone else’s copy. I enjoyed the science reporting for KnowHow though. Very much. But the problem lay elsewhere. I suddenly refused to be in office during the evening hours and on Sundays. Not that I socialize a lot during the evenings. However, at that point of time in my life, the day meant “evening” to me. And, Sundays were meant to be at home. Hence, began the search for a “9 to 6” job. 

TIS (TATA Interactive Systems) happened by chance. There was an ad about an e-learning company with one of the most trusted Indian brands TATA. I applied and got the job. Something totally new. Right from the concept to the execution. Add to that the big gang of friends I made in Mumbai where we stayed for 6-7 months. I lived life to the hilt and work was a happy part of it. Back in Kolkata too the passion continued. The precious “evenings” for which I moved on from The Telegraph were now spent happily in visual storyboarding, reviews, bug fixes and con-calls. I was following my passion and getting paid for it!

I wish I could use the ending of fairy tales and say that “I lived happily ever after in TIS”. But I can’t. Time changed my priorities. I became a mother. Initially, I managed to balance my work with Cheeni, my daughter. However, after three years I was being torn between my passion for work and love for Cheeni. The little monkey won the battle and I moved to IBM. 

The interviewers were very candid and told me point blank that the work might be menial here when compared to TIS, as learning is one of the many support functions in IBM. I smiled calmly and nodded my head in acceptance. I compromised.

I was prepared to accept my work as a job that gets me a salary. My first assignment was audio transcription. However, IBM surprised me! Rather Allegra did. 

No; “Allegra” is not an anti-allergic medicine often prescribed by doctors in India. Allegra E Welley was the IBM Learning & Knowledge Leader who came down to meet us a few months after I joined IBM. FYI, she looks like Steffi Graff. She asked me about the type of work I did in TIS. It was not easy for me to talk about TIS, as I was working on PowerPoint formatting and articulate publishing at that time. But, I somehow managed to tell her about my work at TIS. 

One month after that I got a new role - learning solution design consultant - in which I learnt quite a few new things such as the macro design, training analytics, estimation, etc. I got a bird’s eye view of corporate learning. This was not something that I was passionate about, but it kept me going till the last year when I moved to Solutioning.

My one year in Solutioning is easily the best part of IBM for me as I learned a whole lot. There I met people passionate about their work. It reminded me of the work I loved doing. The more comfortable I became in Solutioning, the more I started missing the work I was passionate about. I too wanted to be happy at work. 

They say that age sublimes you and makes you more ready to compromise. In my case it failed. With each new grey hair on my head I became less ready to accept not being happy in this one short life that I have.

There was something else brewing on the home front too. Cheeni started showing interest in some of the hobbies that I once pursued. She started asking me questions and wanted to learn them from me. I tried avoiding her initially. But those of you who have millennial kids would know how difficult it is to avoid them. Rather, how they can arm-twist you into getting their own way in the end. So, I slowly started to er guide her in learning music, painting, storytelling, etc.

Did I tell you what my work at TIS mostly consisted of? It was a heady cocktail of creativity and innovation made up of writing, visualization, technical know-how and logical reasoning. Oh yes, it's a natural fit for the things that make me happy. 

However, how to get out of the big comfort zone that is IBM? I got more than my due of appreciation and rewards here and learnt a lot. The flexibility and exposure that IBM offers…..should I give it up?

This decision took me nearly six months. Some of the questions I deliberated upon and the answers I got from logic:

Q. Will I get to spend adequate time with Cheeni? 

A. Do I spend time with her even now? She can see me yes, but mostly on con-calls and working on my TP (IBM laptop). In fact, most of the time I ignore her comments and questions. The same goes for the rest of my family.

Q. Will I have time for my hobbies that I have such tall plans to pursue?

A.  I don’t have a choice here as Cheeni likes most of them too (apart from reading) and I am guiding her on them. So there’s a strong chance there.

Q. Where should I go back?

A. TIS if I want the work I love in Kolkata.

Q. Will they be ready to pay me more? What about growth?

A. I will need to check

Q. Will they take me back at a suitable position?

A. Er, again I have to check.

As you can see, the last two questions were very critical and I soon set out to find the answers. Both were positive. I consider myself very fortunate here. TIS made me an offer that helped me decide quickly.

When I broke the news to my Boss at IBM, his reaction was “Why do you have to leave IBM? If you are unhappy in my team, why can’t you find something else within IBM?” I tried in vain to explain to him that I am happiest in his team. It’s not about his team, but about what I want to do and where I want to grow as a professional. As he gave me a small sad smile and nodded his head, I felt like telling him that he has been the best (read most competent, patient, forgiving and tolerant) boss I had across 15.5 years of my career. But I didn’t want to embarrass him. He is a very quiet and shy person.

The notice period flew by. And it's only now, after I have completed and handed over my deals and other work that I realise that it’s time to leave. Hence, I am cleaning up my drawer. I have to return the keys and my TP (ThinkPad) on the day I leave.

It is strange how habits grow on you. Even when you don’t enjoy them. One of them is my TP. After spending 6.5x24x365 hours with it, I wonder how I would feel parting from it. I will not think about that now. Why not check what's in the two lower drawers instead?

There, I can see three bunches of training material, the original TP bag they gave to me, the LAN chord, the TP lock, staple pins (that I never found when I needed them), two diaries, five pens (none working) and more plastic spoons in the next two drawers. I remember the potluck we had when we bought the plastic spoons. While thinking about the potluck, a white glint catches the corner of my eye from the second drawer. From beneath the TP bag I pull out a small white china clay tea cup. It's a prize I got in a house championship years ago at TIS. I had brought it with me to IBM, stacked it away in a corner and forgotten all about it. And it’s intact! Just like my passion for the work I love. Pushed aside, shoved out of life, never consciously remembered, but burning strong as ever deep in my mind. 

Time has indeed twisted, turned and brought me back to square one --- to working for passion. Only time can tell if this is a right decision or not. I have no time (and patience) to spend in predicting future. Let me start cleaning up the three drawers now.